Sunday, September 13, 2009

I Want To Believe

Faith is a funny thing. Or should I say, my faith is a funny thing. Why is it that no matter what phenomenal act God just recently performed in my life, as soon as some unexpected challenge arises I start doubting Him - AGAIN! When am I really going to start trusting Him like I should?



There's a song from Kirk Franklin's The Fight of My Life cd called "Help Me Believe" and I think it truly epitomizes what it feels like to want to get off the rollercoaster of doubt and unbelief when you face prolonged or unexpected struggles. For me, the chorus says it all:



Help me Believe

Can I believe

Let Me believe

I wanna believe

I'm no good on my own, please give me another chance

Its hard to believe in what I can't see

To give you my will cause you're what's better for me

You can look in my eyes and see I wanna believe, believe, believe, believe



It puts me in the mind of someone who had a similar conflict in his own life. The gospel of Mark tells of a grieving father whose son was bound by a deaf and dumb spirit that had constantly been trying to kill him since he was a small child. Can you imagine watching your son or daughter writhing in relentless pain and you are helpless to do anything to stop it?



Hearing about Jesus and his power over demonic spirits, the man brings his son in hopes of finally getting the help he needs. But when he gets there, Jesus is nowhere to be found. Only a few of his disciples are there, and they prove to be no help at all. I can imagine the despair that probably started to drift over his once-hopeful heart. Then, suddenly, Jesus arrives on the scene! The boy's father recounts to the Lord all that he has been through up until that point and then he makes a statement that totally contradicts all the painstaking effort he's made to get help for his boy: "If You can do anything, do have pity on us, and help us." (Mark 9:22 AMP). I can almost see Jesus looking back at the man, disturbed by his statement. What do you mean "if"? As if to say, Don't you know this is the God of the Universe you're talking to?



In his impressive, omnipotent fashion, Jesus eases the man's doubts by telling him that "all things are possible to him that believes". I love the way the Amplified Bible puts the man's response because it's the way I see myself reaching out to God while I'm fighting the good fight of faith:



At once the father of the boy gave [an [k]eager, [l]piercing, inarticulate] cry with tears, and he said, Lord, I believe! [Constantly] help my [m]weakness of faith! (Mark 9:24)



Just like that father, I too am desparate to get to a place where I just simply BELIEVE GOD! Believe His love for me. Believe His infallible integrity towards me. Believe that His will truly is better for me. But even this I cannot do without His help. I need His power to charge my faith up, not to just believe in Him, but to believe Him.



Which brings me to another point...



Did you know that suffering (for doing what God told you to do) is actually a form of worship? Well, it is. (See I Peter ch. 2). So that makes me think very soberly about how worship is handled in my daily life. Yes, it's easy for me to see myself as a worshipper when I'm dancing, singing and praising the Lord in church service or when I'm jamming to some good Israel Houghton or Fred Hammond while driving my truck. But do I really consider myself giving God worship when I'm standing in faith during a time of adversity? Just this morning I read something in an e-votional by Anita Carman, Founder of Inspire Women that deeply challenged my perspective on this:



"In our suffering, let us offer it to God as our way to worship Him. He gets to decide if we will worship Him with our abundance or if we will worship Him with our suffering. Oh the freedom to give up dictating to God the kind of worship we will give Him."



I thought to myself, "Lord, have I really been doing that?" Could it be that I have only been seeing worship as a "warm fuzzy" for me instead of a truly unselfish, heartfelt gift from me to a loving Father? Far be it from me to ever think that way again!



If I'm learning nothing else along this journey, it's that sacrifice authenticates true love. For years I've known that God is my friend. But am I really His friend? Do I love Him enough to trust what He tells me, even if I don't understand it at first? Do I really love Him enough to face the rejection when I'm doing all I can to be obedient to His will?



Time will tell. But as I stated before, I want to believe that I do and that I will.



How about you?