Hiding Behind My Hair

Have you seen the new Netflix movie, Nappily Ever After? Upon the recommendation of my daughter, Tyler, I watched it and it got me thinking.

Not to give away any spoilers, but the main character, Violet, represents so many women; obsessing our whole lives over what our hair says about us. From relaxers to naturals, from weaves to wigs, the  volatile love-hate relationship between us and our tresses rages on.

I can relate.

Sometimes my hair trials are flat-out funny. But then there are times I find myself angry when my hair won't cooperate. It seems like the mass on top of my head has become personified as a mortal enemy, threatening to expose my most intimate flaws to the public.

And don't you laugh if I sound extra! You know it's true.

A couple of days before I watched Nappily Ever After I had a much-needed wake-up call about me and my personal hair drama.

A dear friend had invited me to attend a Women's Day celebration at her church. I had already committed to go with her just weeks prior. I knew how much it would mean to her for me to be there in support. Then the night before, I found myself coming up with all kinds of excuses to my husband about why I should back out of going. But do you want to know my primary excuse? My freakin' hair!

There I was, standing before a mirror detesting the burgeoning new growth sprouting out from beneath my natural locs. My stress was skyrocketing just thinking about the task of trying to tame my hair well enough for it not to attract any negative attention. I had chosen a nice outfit, cute shoes, and a lovely handbag. My hair was the only member of the ensemble that wouldn't cooperate and it was completely overshadowing everything else. How silly is that?

Thank God for the encouragement of my husband, B. J. He reminded me of why I agreed to go to the event in the first place - TO SUPPORT MY FRIEND. He also reminded me that I possessed enough creativity to come up with a decent hairstyle and urged me not to let something as trivial as a hairdo blind me to what matters most.

That was the kick in the tail I needed to get things into perspective.

I gave my new growth a quick, fresh re-twist, moisturized my locs, and attended that event with my friend without giving another thought to what my hair looked like. Once my hair was out of the way, I could freely enjoy the program, be present in the moment when my friend sang her song, and fully celebrate every woman in the room. It was glorious!

And to think that all of that would have been missed if I had continued to be fixated on this false standard of beauty or acceptability predicated by the condition of my hair.

Why does hair have to be such a struggle in the first place? Is it because we as women are socially conditioned to base far too much value on our physical appearance? Probably. Think about it. How do you define the proverbial "good hair day"? Quite likely as a day in which not only you, but other people whose opinions you value think your hair looks exceptional. I swear it can feel like being an unwitting contestant in a perpetual beauty contest; objectified on demand.

It makes me wonder how many times has my hair been allowed to dictate my worth, my value, even my mood? How many times have I assumed that others are just as obsessed with my hair as I am?
How many opportunities have I allowed my hair to rob me of? How many meaningful moments in my life have been sacrificed because of my hair?

Well I can tell you for certain, NO MORE!

I choose to accept my curly, coiled, 4C hair and all of its unruly wonder. I have made a conscience effort to remove the undue significance I've erroneously given to my hair (and all my other physical features) and get back to the true foundation of my identity: my character and my boundless spirit.
And as I practice embracing and appreciating these features as premiums, I find myself stepping out of the shadows of superficiality and it is making all the difference in the world!

Making Yourself Matter

I did it again... for the umpteenth time. My husband suggested I go shopping for some new clothes but once again, I wormed my way out of going. Then when it was time to pick something out to wear for a recent event, there I was, standing frustrated inside my closet. Crazy, right? I know. This is my secret vicious cycle. 

Why do I do this? Well, that's the million-dollar question. I had to dig deep to find the answer, and believe me, what I found wasn't pretty. However, I hope that by exposing my inner cobwebs, I'll somehow encourage and inspire you to face and do away with your own.

I prayed for some divine insight on this, since I couldn't quite put my finger on my motivation for giving myself such sub-par treatment. Here's what eventually emerged:

• I hate to shop for myself
• Why? Because I don't like the hassle
• Why? Because my issues with fluctuating weight give me angst whenever I try on new clothes
• Due to this angst, I tend to subconsciously avoid shopping unless it's absolutely necessary
• By doing what? Finding an excuse to do ANYTHING else that doesn't require so much time and effort (like take a nap!)
• Message I send to myself: "You don't look right, so why go shopping? You don't matter enough to put time into looking good."
• End result: missed opportunities, limited wardrobe options, frequent frustration, and a bewildered hubby 

See how I had to spiral it all out in order to find the real obstacle? You may have to do the same thing if you ever want to get out of your own self-defeating habit (if you have one). To turn things around, I  put my coaching skills to work on myself. 

Life is an unknown span of time. How you spend that time matters. Therefore, giving yourself a generous helping of that time translates to you, and to those around you, that YOU matter. What you need to feel strong, beautiful, loved, confident - it deserves your attention. Forget about waiting until you like it. Just do it!

This really hit home with me especially when I began to consider the unspoken messages I've probably been sending to my two teenage daughters. As the alpha female in their lives, they will assuredly take their cues from me, so I had better be about the business of modeling proper self-care.

So here's the resolution I made toward MAKING MYSELF MATTER. I asked my husband to hold me accountable for budgeting time and money each month to take care of my own personal needs (wardrobe shopping, eyebrow waxing, mani/pedi, etc.). He goes out of his way to accommodate me in whatever way he can, so I'd better take advantage of all this lovely generosity. As an added measure of accountability, I've decided to post some upcoming pics of my personal care excursions. After all, I can't talk it if I'm not willing to walk it, right?

Now it's your turn. Comment below and tell me what you do (or will do) to MAKE YOURSELF MATTER.

Until next time, keep your head up!