Are You Running Away From Home?

Have you heard about a recent study that reports most people feel more stressed at home than at work? I saw a link to this article posted by one of my Facebook friends. Not only did the article's title catch my eye, but there were so many comments from apparent sympathizers, I couldn't help but be intrigued. So of course I had to blog about it.

I don't know about you but, single or married, home has always been my refuge. However, according to the research reported in the article, women, in particular, feel more stressed at home than they do at work. The reasons they state are fairly obvious because they're so common: 1) "It's easier for women to keep home out of work than to keep work out of home," i.e., answering emails, etc. 2) Work is only the first shift of the day for the average working mom. The proverbial "second shift" kicks in when she gets back home to be met with household chores and parenting duties. 3) At work there are "clear actions" and "rewards." At home, not so much. One outcome that struck me as odd was that women without children reportedly had even more stress at home than women with children. Imagine that! Supposedly, even though working moms have to deal with the ever-changing demands of parenting, the warm emotions that are associated with nurturing children tend to off-set the stress of caring for them. I think that's a built-in perk.

So after reading this and considering how many women spoke up on Facebook to affirm their agreement with this article, I felt like doing a self-assessment.

I work from home, so there is no running away to work. When I did work a traditional office job, I still didn't consider it a getaway from the demands of home. More often than not it was the other way around, to be honest. So what makes the difference for me? I would say it's the fact that even when I was single, I purposefully set boundaries between work and home. While I did like getting paid for my labor, I never allowed myself get wrapped up in getting a check. Therefore, I've never felt like I had to compromise my peace for the sake of financial security (whatever that is!). Even now as a married, working mom that same mindset is still in place for both me and my husband. And we give God ALL the credit for that! He's helped us to transform our minds to the point that we focus on what's most important (putting God first in our home, frequently praying together as a couple and as a family, spending quality time with one another) before we focus on the important (paying bills, homework, doing laundry, etc.). We've set an atmosphere at home that we've committed to maintain, and I believe because of this, everything else has fallen into proper perspective. Work is a blessing. Home is a joy. Stress is out the door!

So how about you? Are you running away from home?

Turn Down, For What?

Remember the Los Angeles riots that broke out back in the '90s? In the midst of all that chaos and racial unrest, the most unlikely cry came from the most unlikely man, and it's still being used today. "Can't we all just get along?" Rodney King said this, ironically enough, after the outrage over the video which captured his brutal assault at the hands of some overzealous LAPD officers gave way to violence in the streets. You would think he would have been the last person to utter such a request. I find myself answering, "Yeah, we could Rodney, if we would just stop trying to control one another."

Recently, a coaching client of mine told me that all her life she had been afraid to be her true self: creative, spontaneous, energetic, even silly when she felt like it. She was told to tone down because she was just "too much" for people to take sometimes. It made her shrink into a mold that almost became a casket, and it was all to try to keep the peace with people who, for whatever reason, couldn't handle her authenticity. Now that she's taken her true identity back and has come out of her shell, she is experiencing life on a whole new level. But she expressed some guilt about that because it has caused someone that she had been close with to be at odds with her. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon.

Be honest. Do you find yourself going along to get along sometimes? You know. Not wanting to rock the boat or upset the apple cart? I've done it and it's about as comfortable as wearing pantyhose that are two sizes too small.

When you get a revelation of who you really are and what you've really got, don't be surprised if others get a little puffy in the cheeks about it. The truth is they would be like that anyway, no matter what you do. Misery loves company for a reason. Don't allow their negativity and/or jealousy to cause you to shrink back and lose the ground you've already gained. You are not in charge of making them happy. That's their job.

God has blessed you with a purpose for living. Go after it and live on full blast. Those who get that will get you. So if you must part ways with someone because of this, it's not your fault or your problem. As my beloved Big Mama used to say, "Feed 'em with a long-handled spoon" and move forward.

Life is too good and too short for you to turn down. For what?

Who Can You Trust With Your Truth?

People are funny. We say we want intimacy but quickly retreat when we find out what real intimacy will cost us. We want to be with someone who truly “gets” us, but we’re afraid to be raw and authentic.

What is the risk? That we’ll be judged? Probably. That we’ll be misunderstood? Maybe. That we’ll be rejected? Could be. But so what!

Think about this – I mean really think about it. If you have to hide the real you in order to be in relationship with someone, what’s the point? The other person is being sold a bill of goods. They think they’re getting to know you when, in actuality, they’re not. What happens when you can’t keep up the charade? The first thing you’ll probably say is, “See, they really didn’t get me at all!” Well, how could they when you never even gave them the chance? Not to mention, you’re placing yourself under unnecessary pressure by trying to play a role that you’ll never be suited for.

Just recently, my husband and I were recounting some valuable lessons we’ve learned during the journey of our marriage with a group of married couples. I shared how I had to come to terms with my own authentic self and how I was finally able to take the risk of letting him see the good, the bad, and ugly of me. I told him that I had to know if I could trust him with my truth. If I couldn’t, then what did we really have? Certainly not something we could continue to build upon. Basically, I needed to know that his love for me was truly unconditional, and being my whole self - bumps, bruises, and all - was the only way I was going to find that out. This was not something to run from, it was something to run toward. I have to say that testing this out eventually brought me great peace as a woman and as a wife.

If you’re in doubt right now about the stability of a relationship you’re in, I encourage you to venture into the uncharted territories and be who you are with the person(s) who’ve declared their love for you. It’s better to find out now if it’s real or just imagined. One thing about real love is that it’s well able to bear the weight of your humanity as it grows and evolves. That’s the kind of love you can trust with your truth.